Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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