I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
