how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
