He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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