every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
