if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
