That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
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