The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I don't deserve a penis
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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