Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
How naked do you want me to be?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
