just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
