He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
