my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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