My sheets look like a crime scene.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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