Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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