he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
