So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
time to smoke my breakfast
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
