For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
