if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
