i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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