I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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