I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
