plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
