She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
