I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
