I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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