I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
