I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
i now understand why vodka
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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