Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I love having hate sex.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
