trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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