3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
