I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize