I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
My vagina is very pro this idea
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
