You smell like a Billy Joel song
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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