Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
