I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
