Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
