at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize