You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
