Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
