Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
