Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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