Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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