I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
