I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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