Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
