I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
