I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
