just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
