genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
