please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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