yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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