thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
