Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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