You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Randomize