I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
