Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize