I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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